She moves like a butterfly, hovering over the machines, lays a cotton sheet over the exam table like a waiter setting a table, smoothing the wrinkles in a perfunct and professional manner, never settling on any one place, never planting her feet and resting.
She acts as if she wants to be anywhere but here, and when I finally do manage to look at
squeezing it beyond it’s capability to heal me , probably hurting him, in my attempt
Even in my misery and disbelief I am conscious of what others see in me.
They are bloodshot and red but I can do nothing for him but
It’s the light at the end of the tunnel, It’s the hope of a rainbow during a storm
this day, this moment different for us. .
It is more a question than a statement of fact, I nod with my closed eyes and turn my head away
from his voice, toward your daddy where I can feel him squeezing my hand. The tears I don’t want to cry are now spilling down my cheek and into the collar of my blue shirt.
“How can this be? “I wonder for the hundredth time today
My beta levels have been so high that I felt good enough to take close to 12 Pregnancy tests
since we heard them 2 weeks ago. The latest once sitting on the sink in my bathroom
announcing PREGNANT. I have delighted in watching the words come up almost immediately on those tests, I have smiled through tears for hours, we have started to make plans, I plan to keep all of them, but only if this Dr can give me a reason.
4 years of Nothing, I’ve seen 4 years of blank screens, empty windows on pregnancy tests, one line and not two. Then this morning, in another office, in another space, another voice tells me
with all the tests that proclaim good news, that she sees Nothing in my uterus.
So your daddy and I wait as this Doctor looks again.
“Just to be sure”
In his expertise, maybe his answer will be different, and we wait, wait while he looks
holding our breath, one at a time, moment to moment,
until after an agonizing 20 seconds, that seemed to take a lifetime,
he asks me to open my eyes, and LOOK!
I turn my head, slightly, as I hear the words that he saying
finally clear words, in a language that I understand.
He is pointing , “There is One, There is Two”
andI look at the screen and resting next to one another
looking like two small kidney beans, like the “Two peas in a pod” you would become,
are you and your brother.
Just like that the ice around my heart starts to melt
and I look up to see your daddy smiling through tears, looking at me
feel him kiss my face and tell me he loves me. I love him too, with all my heart,
quietly sobbing with it and with the knowledge that we have finally created something together.
I look at you one last time and whisper to you, “HI babies”
And that my beautiful baby boys, is how we found you.
*this was prompt by the Red Dress Club, to write a memoir about a 5 minute period
of your life that you’d like your children to see after you die*