It is a beautiful day in early June, but
I am cold, deep penetrating cold, as if my heart is encased in ice
and it’s spreading through my body, pumping through
my veins into my warm heart threatening it’s ability to beat, to work, to hope.
We are ushered into a bright room , too bright for the aching cold and darkness I feel inside.
The nurse that holds the door for us, is trying not to look at me, instead she readies the room.
She moves like a butterfly, hovering over the machines, lays a cotton sheet over the exam table like a waiter setting a table, smoothing the wrinkles in a perfunct and professional manner, never settling on any one place, never planting her feet and resting.
She acts as if she wants to be anywhere but here, and when I finally do manage to look at
her long enough to elicit her gaze and I see the tears welling up behind her lashes
threatening to spill over onto her soft cheek
I tell her with that my eyes, that I understand, I forgive her that.
and she leaves, closing the door softly behind her, but in my ears all I hear is a SLAM so loud
that it startles me. I sway against the dizzy feeling of falling, grabbing a chair to
steady the whoosing that is happening in my ears.
It is only then I realize that I have been holding your daddy’s hand.
squeezing it beyond it’s capability to heal me , probably hurting him, in my attempt
to walk through this hell with us in tact.
He is talking , but I cannot recognize any words. I find myself looking at his mouth,
watching him roll his vowels into something to say to me.
Instead I hear my own words, “Impossible”, “how could this happen?”
“I won’t believe it” and I repeat them, on an endless loop like the music
in the waiting room we just left.
I let go of his hand, finding my feet and I remove my skirt and underwear. I do this as I have done it for 4 years, as if I am expected to, a whore in an infertile’s clothing.
I suck in my breath thinking that, that after the good news, why was I not prepared for the bad news? I make sure I fold my panties and hide them inside the folds of my skirt.
Even in my misery and disbelief I am conscious of what others see in me.
I grab for your daddy’s hand for help to table. I lift my head and look into his eyes.
They are bloodshot and red but I can do nothing for him but
mouth, “Im sorry”. I want to hold him and ease this pain for him but I am lost in a world
of my own, sitting on this table with the cotton sheet the nurse just offered us.
I imitate her actions, and smooth it over and over again,
trying to push away all the ugly thoughts that are swirling around my mind,
stealing my breath, encasing my heart in the ice.
This is denial I think. That first step in grief, that’s what this is.
It’s the light at the end of the tunnel, It’s the hope of a rainbow during a storm
and I must hang onto it right now in order to get to other side of this deep chasm that is
going to swallow both of us if I don’t .
The door opens again and a doctor walks in. I have never met him before
but I recognize him from the billboards on the highway and the pamphlets in the blue , thumb throughed folder that is the center of our universe right now. It is currently splayed out on our
dining room table. All of the information in it ready to be put away because of the phone call made only 2 weeks ago.
I am suddenly sick with the idea that I might have to use that folder again and I put my
hands on my thighs and try to breathe through the nausea.
He is shorter than I imagined, but his smile makes up for it in wattage.
He is handsome and I shake the hand that he offers me with a small pink in my cheeks.
as if my mind is trying to focus on something good and real instead of the
alternative of this day.
The pleasantries over, he asks me to lay back.
I do it, again as if I am expected, and close my eyes.
I feel daddy reach for my hand again and I grab at it like a drowning woman, holding
his hand with both of my own, in a symbol of prayer and desperation.
He leans beyond daddy and turns the light off and plunges the three of us in darkness, all we can hear now is the hum of the machine next to my head. We are all holding our breath, each of us seperate from one another while we are so together in this moment.
The dr asks me to lay back and I do, I will do just about anything for him to make
this day, this moment different for us. .
My eyes still closed, I hear him say “Debbie told me she couldn’t find anything this morning?”
It is more a question than a statement of fact, I nod with my closed eyes and turn my head away
from his voice, toward your daddy where I can feel him squeezing my hand. The tears I don’t want to cry are now spilling down my cheek and into the collar of my blue shirt.
“How can this be? “I wonder for the hundredth time today
My beta levels have been so high that I felt good enough to take close to 12 Pregnancy tests
since we heard them 2 weeks ago. The latest once sitting on the sink in my bathroom
announcing PREGNANT. I have delighted in watching the words come up almost immediately on those tests, I have smiled through tears for hours, we have started to make plans, I plan to keep all of them, but only if this Dr can give me a reason.
4 years of Nothing, I’ve seen 4 years of blank screens, empty windows on pregnancy tests, one line and not two. Then this morning, in another office, in another space, another voice tells me
with all the tests that proclaim good news, that she sees Nothing in my uterus.
So your daddy and I wait as this Doctor looks again.
“Just to be sure”
In his expertise, maybe his answer will be different, and we wait, wait while he looks
holding our breath, one at a time, moment to moment,
until after an agonizing 20 seconds, that seemed to take a lifetime,
he asks me to open my eyes, and LOOK!
I turn my head, slightly, as I hear the words that he saying
finally clear words, in a language that I understand.
He is pointing , “There is One, There is Two”
andI look at the screen and resting next to one another
looking like two small kidney beans, like the “Two peas in a pod” you would become,
are you and your brother.
Just like that the ice around my heart starts to melt
and I look up to see your daddy smiling through tears, looking at me
feel him kiss my face and tell me he loves me. I love him too, with all my heart,
quietly sobbing with it and with the knowledge that we have finally created something together.
I look at you one last time and whisper to you, “HI babies”
And that my beautiful baby boys, is how we found you.
*this was prompt by the Red Dress Club, to write a memoir about a 5 minute period
of your life that you’d like your children to see after you die*
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My heart ached for you and then rejoiced at the end. Beautiful post.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
I wish that I could find the words to tell you how much I love this post.We lost a baby at 8 weeks and I held my breath as your story unfolded, knowing exactly how devastating it is to lose a baby. Then, when I read that your happy ending, my heart just exploded with joy for your family.So lovely.
This made me cry. Your writing was simply amazing, especially in the details – the folding of your underwear inside your skirt, the thumbed-through folder on your dining room table.Brilliant and I am so thankful for your happy ending.
Beautiful post. I was aching for you, fighting back tears myself. Your words are exquisite. I loved the butterfly ananlogy. So beautifully written.
We always expect the worst, don't we? This brought tears to my eyes and warmth right down to my soul.
I was holding my breath reading your story. So glad it all worked out for you.
Even though I knew the ending, I was bawling my eyes out. Beautiful my friend, just beautiful.
Beautiful post. I love it when my blog friends make me cry tears of joy!
Love it.
Beautiful. I can only imagine the heartbreak you must have gone through.. and I am so glad it was only temporary. Thank you for sharing this wonderful story!
i don't have the words, kir. i can't believe we both posted on this today for the prompt and i'm glad we both had happy endings.;-)i, too, always hid my panties inside my other clothes. why did/do we feel such shame?love you!!!!!!
I have been on the verge of tears all day and this just put me over the edge. I love you.
I am in tears! First my heart was breaking for then it exploded! I'm so very happy you got your happy ending.
Wow, Kir, wow!
I loved this post, I cried first with sadness,then with joy for all of you. Well done!
Just so precious.Bea
I found you through a different Red Writing Hood prompt. And I'm crying reading this right now. I know your babies are born and growing, and I am so happy for you, even though we are total strangers.
Oh, my… Goosebumps and tears and just… wow. What powerful writing. I am so very glad you have this moment documented here, to remember always that in the face of such grief and uncertainty, you were presented with the miracle… of two lives. Beautiful
I have missed you. So happy to see your face appear over at S3P this week. XOXO
OH Charlotte, I’ve missed you too. I’ve missed a lot this summer, just enjoying it, but you reading this post from me and giving me this kind of comment back for it..I’m in tears of gratitude. I’m just so glad to see you here.
xoxoxo