My Dear & Amazing friends Alison (Oh how I adore her) and Ado are celebrating their 1st Blog Anniversary. In Celebration of that they asked us to revisit our blogs and pick our favorite post.
The truth is that like so many things in my life, I love LOTS of my posts for special and different reasons. I spent the morning reading about myself and my sons, about my marriage and my trips to beautiful places, about my life as I chronicled it for the last 7 years. Sometimes it was weeks between posts, other times it was daily but always it was raw and honest.
I love my writing pieces because I can see how far that talent has come because of the help, support and concrit of all of you.
I love my PYHO pieces because they reveal so much about my life and my emotions.
I love the pictures because they show me my past all wrapped up in smiles, nuks and dreamy expressions.
But the piece I finally decided to share was one that I wrote long before I embraced “the less is more” concept and I had no respect for paragraphs and descriptions. It is raw and real and ME. It takes you through my infertility, my in vitro and my first year as a mom.
It is the heart of me, the part of me that can sit at every lunch table and make conservation because I am so many women inside.
First published on May 9, 2008- On Days Like Sunday
This Sunday we will celebrate Mother’s Day. I will finally celebrate it. I bought a new dress. I have spent many hours thinking about this Sunday and how I will feel. I have actually tried to determine how many tears I will shed, how big my heart will feel when I look at the boys and how much my heart will hurt when I think of all my friends still in the trenches , still waiting, still trying.
It’s crazy isn’t it…to think about one day this way.
Yet I do.
Even John has acted differently about this holiday. Normally we don’t celebrate a holiday by having surprise gifts or “celebration”. We spend so much time together , commuting , working together etc that we have a routine of holiday and normally we know what has been bought, maybe it was picked out. And for big Holidays like Christmas, we take the day after off and spend all the money together, we save the money we would have spent on each other and spend it that day, watching each other get excited about buying something we wanted for 50% off , instead of the high of watching the paper get ripped off it the day before. Yet, for this first Mother’s day of mine, two packages , with “small things” (his words) in them ..have found their way to our front door and been whisked away to a secret place upstairs. John has put on smiles when they arrive and seems to be reveling in at last having a secret from me.
If I didn’t feel so much survivor guilt about this day, I might have a smile or two myself.
Looking back just one year , it was tomorrow, the Sat before Mother’s Day that I wrote the post that started our IVF. It was the night that amid all the feelings I had about the holiday the next day, my husband started our journey for us by sticking a needle into my thigh and wiping away the tears I couldn’t hold back. Frozen in fear that I might never celebrate Mother’s Day as a mother.
Yet, here we are , just one year later and I will celebrate this holiday. The cards are pouring in, plans have been made with me in mind this year. My mom is over the moon with being able to share this holiday with me and for her, the first mother’s day she will have as a grandmother. It is all surreal and unbelievable and special. Yes, Special.
I feel this day coming, I feel the emotion of knowing my place in the middle of it, I cry the tears of gratitude for the gifts I was given that allow me to be celebrated. Then, in the middle of the those happy tears, they turn to the tears of knowledge, empathy, understanding that seep out of me and are shed not for me anymore, but rather for my sisters in this fight against Infertility until I realize that I too am still fighting the fight, I am just out of commission for the time being. Caught in this circle of emotion and guilt, happiness and sorrow. I am left with so many feelings that it is hard to put it into words, hard to be happy and sad all at the same time. Yet I am.
I want to say that no matter where you are in your IF journey on Sunday, my heart is with yours and I had decided a long time ago that if I ever got this far, that this first Mother’s Day I would not stand in church on Sunday and be blessed with the other mothers. I will stay seated on Sunday for all of us who had to struggle , who are still struggling. I will not forget what it was like to have to stay seated and wish for nothing other than the blessing of hands on me for being a mom. I will sit for all of us. It’s a small thing to do, it might not even be noticed except by me and John, but I will know in my heart that I am with all of you on Sunday.
Truth is, there is no place I’d rather be, no matter where you are in your journey. You are all caregivers, you are all good fine women, you are all mothers to someone. While I know many of us say we would rather not go through IF, on days like Sundays, I am proud to be a part of this community. To know the true gift that being a mother brings. To feel the yearning so much that you would struggle and hurt and fall down and get back up and try again for the chance to get there. You are all amazing women to me, my friends.
and on days like Sunday, I think it’s important that you know that.
That I share this journey with you.
with love to you all.
Alison and Ado, thank you for giving me a place to share this post again. It is my honor to your friend.
I wish you both a very special Blog Annivesary and hopes for an AMAZING 2nd year of writing, touching our hearts and moving our emotions.
If you are a member of BlogHer
Please don’t forget to VOTE for my nominated piece for BlogHer’s VOICE OF THE YEAR about my struggle with infertility,
you can click right here to vote for BEING CARRIED. Thank you! xo
Kir, thank you for celebrating our 1st year of blogging (and my goodness, SEVEN years for you) with this gorgeous, heartfelt and a very YOU post with us.
That you still bear your heart with others on that difficult journey of infertility even as a mother, shows your generous heart.
Love it, love you. xo
Wow. Amazing you. Until I started reading your blog and some others I never truly understood what infertility does to a woman. It is heart-breaking to know that even though our bodies were made for this some of us struggle so much. I’m so glad that you got your wish and are able to celebrate Mother’s Day but still remember all those who continue to struggle. I don’t think I will ever look at it the same way again. Thank you for sharing.
Wow is right. Amazing you is right. (-:
I went through infertility myself and have found strength and identification in many of your posts. This was such a good one – I’m so glad you chose it to link up with us and help us celebrate our blogoversaries. I’m also so glad our idea had you troll through your older posts to find out which were your favorites – exactly the plan! A celebration of bloggers. (-:
- Ado
This is a wonderful post. I remember thinking that I couldn’t figure out why I would want to make friends with other moms who couldn’t get pregnant when I was trying so hard. Sure, we could share our struggles, but wouldn’t I be so jealous if and when one of them finally did get pregnant? Or feel so guilty if I did first? In the end, I shared my struggles with two friends at work who struggled, too. One got pregnant first, and I felt joy for her even as I wanted to be in her boat. The other got pregnant about 5 months later, and I did feel guilty. But having those friends was so incredibly precious to me. Now we all have two kids and it’s been quite a journey. Anyway, all of that is just to say that I think it’s wonderful of you to sit in solidarity with all the moms who are trying, because it is such a hard phase of life to be in, even if it allows us to meet amazing people!
oh Jessica, thank you. I don’t even know how to respond to this beautiful comment. The women who are in the struggle with me, who took this road like I did are so very very special to my heart. I know that the women that I had to go through it with were the reason I never gave up Hope, they are the reason I stayed sane on crazy and hopeless days. I agree, I still sit with those women, even as I hold my children, and I never forget the places I’ve been that made me who I am today.
thank you…this comment meant everything to me. xoxo
Ok, this made me cry. I love how you embrace motherhood and are so happy that you are there, but how your heart still aches for those women who long to be where you are too. You understand the pain and struggle and you are so blessed by your family. This was beautiful.
HI Rach…and thank you for saying that. Thank you for reading it and for commenting, that means a lot to me.
it’s funny how those feelings never go away, even as I parent and am called Mommy. I still feel the sting of “Mother’s Day” for my friends still waiting for their children.
thank you soooooo much for being here today for this revisit to this post.
xo
I love that you are so happy where you are, but also understand the pain and struggles that others were still enduring. Beautiful post, Kir.
Oh thank you sweetie. Reading this again after so many years was SOOOO revealing. The truth, I still feel this way on Mother’s Day …lucky and praying for my IF sisters.
thank you for reading it…that means a LOT to me…as you do. xoxo