The truth is that like so many things in my life, I love LOTS of my posts for special and different reasons. I spent the morning reading about myself and my sons, about my marriage and my trips to beautiful places, about my life as I chronicled it for the last 7 years. Sometimes it was weeks between posts, other times it was daily but always it was raw and honest.
I love my PYHO pieces because they reveal so much about my life and my emotions.
I love the pictures because they show me my past all wrapped up in smiles, nuks and dreamy expressions.
But the piece I finally decided to share was one that I wrote long before I embraced “the less is more” concept and I had no respect for paragraphs and descriptions. It is raw and real and ME. It takes you through my infertility, my in vitro and my first year as a mom.
It is the heart of me, the part of me that can sit at every lunch table and make conservation because I am so many women inside.
First published on May 9, 2008- On Days Like Sunday
This Sunday we will celebrate Mother’s Day. I will finally celebrate it. I bought a new dress. I have spent many hours thinking about this Sunday and how I will feel. I have actually tried to determine how many tears I will shed, how big my heart will feel when I look at the boys and how much my heart will hurt when I think of all my friends still in the trenches , still waiting, still trying.
It’s crazy isn’t it…to think about one day this way.
Yet I do.
Even John has acted differently about this holiday. Normally we don’t celebrate a holiday by having surprise gifts or “celebration”. We spend so much time together , commuting , working together etc that we have a routine of holiday and normally we know what has been bought, maybe it was picked out. And for big Holidays like Christmas, we take the day after off and spend all the money together, we save the money we would have spent on each other and spend it that day, watching each other get excited about buying something we wanted for 50% off , instead of the high of watching the paper get ripped off it the day before. Yet, for this first Mother’s day of mine, two packages , with “small things” (his words) in them ..have found their way to our front door and been whisked away to a secret place upstairs. John has put on smiles when they arrive and seems to be reveling in at last having a secret from me.
If I didn’t feel so much survivor guilt about this day, I might have a smile or two myself.
Looking back just one year , it was tomorrow, the Sat before Mother’s Day that I wrote the post that started our IVF. It was the night that amid all the feelings I had about the holiday the next day, my husband started our journey for us by sticking a needle into my thigh and wiping away the tears I couldn’t hold back. Frozen in fear that I might never celebrate Mother’s Day as a mother.
Yet, here we are , just one year later and I will celebrate this holiday. The cards are pouring in, plans have been made with me in mind this year. My mom is over the moon with being able to share this holiday with me and for her, the first mother’s day she will have as a grandmother. It is all surreal and unbelievable and special. Yes, Special.
I feel this day coming, I feel the emotion of knowing my place in the middle of it, I cry the tears of gratitude for the gifts I was given that allow me to be celebrated. Then, in the middle of the those happy tears, they turn to the tears of knowledge, empathy, understanding that seep out of me and are shed not for me anymore, but rather for my sisters in this fight against Infertility until I realize that I too am still fighting the fight, I am just out of commission for the time being. Caught in this circle of emotion and guilt, happiness and sorrow. I am left with so many feelings that it is hard to put it into words, hard to be happy and sad all at the same time. Yet I am.
I want to say that no matter where you are in your IF journey on Sunday, my heart is with yours and I had decided a long time ago that if I ever got this far, that this first Mother’s Day I would not stand in church on Sunday and be blessed with the other mothers. I will stay seated on Sunday for all of us who had to struggle , who are still struggling. I will not forget what it was like to have to stay seated and wish for nothing other than the blessing of hands on me for being a mom. I will sit for all of us. It’s a small thing to do, it might not even be noticed except by me and John, but I will know in my heart that I am with all of you on Sunday.
Truth is, there is no place I’d rather be, no matter where you are in your journey. You are all caregivers, you are all good fine women, you are all mothers to someone. While I know many of us say we would rather not go through IF, on days like Sundays, I am proud to be a part of this community. To know the true gift that being a mother brings. To feel the yearning so much that you would struggle and hurt and fall down and get back up and try again for the chance to get there. You are all amazing women to me, my friends.
and on days like Sunday, I think it’s important that you know that.
That I share this journey with you.
with love to you all.
I wish you both a very special Blog Annivesary and hopes for an AMAZING 2nd year of writing, touching our hearts and moving our emotions.
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