I came to Facebook kicking and screaming.
I mean, if I am going to be honest about my introduction, I’d have to admit that it was peer pressure that pushed me into the deep end of the pool of status updates. You see, the night before Super Bowl 2010 I was visiting my BFF Noelle and she was singing the praises and magical abilities of this new social networking site.
Sure, by then, I had heard the faintest of whispers about it and was aware of its existence, but like so many things in my life, I ignored and scoffed at it.
Truthfully, I just couldn’t understand the hype.
But there I was on a cold February morning surrendering my most personal information and email address to little blue icons, wondering what would happen once I hit PUBLISH and Kirsten Anne Kovaleski Piccini was thrust back into the lives of others.
It didn’t take long for the friend requests to land in my inbox and while they did, I pushed back the emotions and memories of each one.
The first boy to kiss me…
The girls who made fun of me in 8th grade…
Women that I had spent my 20’s being employed and drunk with…
Old friends from the 1st college I attended, then some from the 2nd and still others from the 3rd…
Handfuls of ex-boyfriends, my stomach spinning and flipping with the same butterflies I had experienced when I had met them and they had become part of my life.
I spent the next few days updating my page too frequently and exchanging “how are you?” chats with the people of my past. It was surreal to visit the village that had watched me grow up, who knew my story as much as I knew theirs.
The truth? As I wrote and send virtual hugs throught the screen I felt exposed, vulnerable and hopelessly in need of acceptance.
I wish I could tell you that I wasn’t ashamed of who I was in that moment, but it was my memories of the people that would see my pictures, read about my life and sit behind their computer to pass judgment on me…again…that scared me silly.
She once called me a slut…
He’s married now and “look at how adorable his children are”…
The ghosts I prayed I had banished all came back to visit me in the form of wedding pictures, college degrees, new exciting lives and birth announcements.
My history played each moment over again like an 8MM movie reel in my mind bringing me anxious tears, thoughtful ‘what ifs?” and bittersweet recollections of laughter, friendships, shenanigans and stormy breakups.
But in those moments I was relieved to find that there was nothing to be afraid of in my past.
I was still Kirsten, for better or worse.
So I let Facebook became a well traveled memory lane where all of my life’s crossroads met but it was finally my turn to choose the direction.
So often in our lives, defining moments occur when our past and our present or our future clash.
For this week’s RemembeRED prompt, write a memoir post describing such a time and the results.
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Oh Facebook. It’s all that you just described. A cacophony of emotions when one is confronted with one’s past, present and future.
And yes, YOU choose the direction. Absolutely.
(I love that we’re friends on Facebook!)
I am glad that you related. Truly. Writing it I was thinking, “do other people feel this way about it?” since technology does make everything easier and our life is on display for better or worse.
I love that we’re facebook friends too…in fact I count you among my CLOSE FRIENDS and am glad that on opposite sides of the world we can share our pictures, our words, our lives. xoxo
And I’m so glad you did! With any social media platform, it is what you want it to be. That’s the good thing-you can choose your level of interaction. With that said, I wish some people would “interact” a little bit less, if you know what I mean
LOL…oh I know exactly what you mean. After that first week of saying it all…I became ME again. I share when I want to, when I know it’s time to do it, when I have something important to say instead of just dumping my life on the internet. You have taught me great lessons about HOW to engage.
so thank you for that…I feel lucky to be in the blogosphere that you’re in.
Our past… It never goes away does it…even if it’s not who we are now. It’s hard to connect with people from our past. I don’t think anyone that we’ve been away from for a long period of time ever remembers things the same way we do. All I know is I’m happy to joined and your here now my amazing friend!! -LV
well if I have to LOVE FB for one reason, it’s YOU for sure. You said it the way i feel it, that the stories are the way YOU remember it and many times that it may not be the way your mind chooses to remember it. I think that is the rub..and forgiveness is at the heart of it for sure.
thanks for saying it BETTER than I had. xoxoxo
I joined up right after Felix was born, suddenly realizing it was a great way to share him with my faraway friends. Who knew fourish years later, I’d be running four pages of social nonsense, huh?
But it is still occasionally surreal to see the boy I mooned over in 8th grade putting up pictures of his kids and dogs.
I think that’s the rub, that no matter how fast you outrun the stuff in 8th grade, the way technology works now, nothing is ever really gone. Somedays it’s good..others it’s…um, unsettling. I love Facebook and I love being able to keep in touch, show off the boys and have a place to share my writing but it feels like I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul to do it. Does that make sense?
thank you for reading, it’s so nice to see you here. xo
FB is so very surreal. And you know what I’ve found? All those people who I put up on such altars at the time? They like me. Or tolerate me. Or hide my updates.
But they hold no power over me. And that feels great.
Oh Nancy, yes! Exactly! They don’t hold the power of my life anymore, their road is not mine and the way I travel, my baggage is mine and mine alone.
I loved your comment. THANK YOU xo
I love that last line. It’s nice to get to the point where we can choose the direction. I’m “friends” with people I haven’t seen since I graduated from high school. Every once in a while I’m worried about what they might think, but mostly I just don’t care. I like the not caring and the confidence in who I have become.
I felt that line as I was writing it, that it was finally MY TURN to make decisions about the friends I would keep and the ones I would leave behind. I still worry myself, I do. I want to be friends with everyone and I want everyone to feel their worth in my space, so sure I worry about what people think. Yet, there is a grown up part of me that is truly happy that the paths I travel are my own.
thank you for seeing that and for sharing it with me.
Oh yes you hit it right on the head. It was high school all over again. Will they want me, like me, care about me? My life will look pathetic in comparison. Oh the insecurities! I really liked this line:
My history played each moment over again like an 8MM movie reel in my mind
And the people who wanted to friend me that I assumed hated/didn’t know I existed. What was that about?
Nicely done.
Oh I’m so glad people can relate…seriously. Just like FB I hit publish on this and thought “well I hope people ‘get it’ with me” thank you so much for picking a line and telling me about it, it helps my writing to know what works and doesn’t.
thank you so much for coming over to read it. It means SOOO MUCH to me.
This is great! You put words to the feelings we all have – but maybe didn’t realize we were having. Although I don’t have any childhood friends on mine. It is a great way for me to keep in touch with my parents!
oh thank you YOU!!! so nice to see you here after you gave me such a GIGGLE on Friday
I have a love/hate with it and I doubt that will change as long as it’s around, but it makes for good writing material, no?
Oh Facebook. I have a love-hate relationship with it. I like being able to connect with my friends, but I do hate that other people are on there too. But like you described, I do get a flood of emotions when I come across certain people from my past.
I’m so glad to hear that…that you have a love/hate with it too. I feel my stomach flip with every new friend request…while sometimes it’s a good flip because it’s a FRIEND I love and miss , sometimes it’s not.
thank you for feeling those emotions too…it makes it easier to know that.
Yes, FB is a bit surreal at times. I truly wish I was disciplined enough to limit myself to the 30 friends I really care about and dump the other 300.
Amy, I wonder about that myself. I think about the people that have come into my life because of the internet and how now I have my OLD OLD Friends, my infertile friends, my mommy friends, my writer friends, my family, etc and I know that getting rid of any of them would hurt me, it would be “less” so I keep them and hope that I am not being judged …instead I’m being loved and supported the way I do for others.
Right my friend? xxoxo
You described those just-starting-on-facebook feelings perfectly! I don’t even pay much attention to it anymore. I check it, look at people’s pictures, move on. Really, the biggest thing it’s done is made me feel like I never need to go to a high school reunion again because I already know what everyone’s up to now – and this way I don’t actually have to talk to them if I don’t want to!
I’ve gone through such strange phases with facebook, from loving it and flipping through old friends and acquaintances like a virtual yearbook to shaking my head at it. I think I’ve finally found my balance with it, and I like what Nancy said about how the people in the computer don’t have power over her. Something I find amazing is the sugar-coating of Facebook lives. If people really lived the way they seem to on FB, we would all be so gorgeous and well-adjusted
FB can be a blessing and a curse all in one.
I never thought about Facebook that way until now and it’s you’re so right! I started thinking about all the people I’ve reconnected with after Facebook and it’s incredible! All the things we know about each other, those who we liked and didn’t, and vice versa.
It sure is interesting though.
Great post. So feel you about the emotional roller coaster that Facebook unleashes. You did a nice job managing this story and keeping it from going off the rails. Erin
yes! I feel that way too…too exposed for my liking sometimes, others, it is the perfect way to keep up with family and friends that I wouldn’t call, but sincerely wish well. Another thing that has happened is made our 10 year class reunion seem…well, redundant. I KNOW that you are married, have a child and a cat named felix…remember? you just posted pics of the three of them sleeping together on the couch.
Doesn’t leave much to “catch up” on, more like leaves more to pretend you haven’t been closely following along stalking their pages 
ha.
this is so true!
I love Facebook. But I’ve decided to make it my special space. I won’t accept friend requests from people who were crappy to me in my past, etc. Life is too short.
Oh my. This might be the most accurate appraisal of what Facebook really is to so many of us I have ever read. You are exactly right, we open ourselves up to so many things. I have kept my maiden name off of mine, as the people I want to be in touch with, I am. But perhaps it’s still a bit of a defense mechanism. Very interesting!
I refuse to accept anyone as a friend on Facebook from my past. They are my past for a reason and not my present or my future. Also the reason why I don’t have my maiden name listed for Facebook.
Ha! Interesting post. I got facebook while I was in college, so I don’t have that same experience of “reconnecting” yet…
Great perspective on past and present colliding. I still remember the shock I felt when I joined Facebook and realized how many people I knew were already on it and had been on it for a while. A lot were old friends and acquaintances with whom I’d lost touch and was happy to reconnect, but there were plenty that were current friends of mine. I remember feeling like they’d been part of this secret society and I’d never known it! I love it now, but admit to you that I rid myself of all “friends” who were mean to me in the past or anyone that made me feel icky or insecure again now, even if I knew I should be above it. They can follow me on Twitter if they are desperate to know how I am, right? ; )
I think it’s cool that so many people from your past were interested in seeing what was going on in your life.
What I like about facebook aside from being connected is the wealth of ideas I am exposed to.
Wow, you summed up my feelings about Facebook EXACTLY. I’m still not a fan. The whole worlds-colliding thing. I much prefer interacting with strangers on Twitter and blogs!
P.s. That quote at the top is hilarious.
Facebook can be both a good and bad thing. I love it for the fact that I can reconnect with people and know what’s going on in peoples’ lives. On the other hand, having the information available to me through the site gives me the (lazy) option of not having to personally connect to those people. Definitely a catch 22.
I went kicking and screaming too! And within a year I re-connected with an old high school boyfriend I hadn’t seen for 16 years. Crazy thing is we are now married with 2 little ones and my daughter.
I suppose it was worth it
One of the things I like about being FB friends with childhood frienemies is that it’s given me a chance to heal from anything in our shared past. As it turns out, most people I know grow up to be pretty kind and thoughtful adults. It’s nice! Plus, I have a hot husband and gorgeous kids to show off!
I agree, some hurts have been healed for me too and it’s always nice to get a request from someone who I thought very little of me, who when I accept it tells me how much they liked me or missed me. It’s a visit to my past everytime…but it’s not always bad.
Lucky girl with a hot hubby…..but you’re right, my kids are CUTIES. (hubby is not bad either)
For a long time I was a die-hard Facebook fanatic but it’s not doing it for me lately. It seems like a lot of people feel like they know someone intimately when they are FB friends. At the same time, it has brought me together with friends I thought were long gone. I enjoyed your post.
YES, both things for me too. I love FB and then I worry about the feelings, emotions, memories it brings up for me. I stand in awe of the way it brings my past, present and future into the room and makes them sit down together…and that was what I wanted to explore with this….how it affects EVERY part of my life.
thank you for coming over to read it, that means a lot to me.
What a fun thing to choose to reflect on for this topic. I have gone back and forth and back and forth in my love/hate relationship with Facebook. Ultimately, I really appreciate that as my life continues to get busier, I still provides me with a means to be a little social during the busiest days.
me too..I don’t hate it. I just needed time to absorb the feelings and memories each friend request gave me (and waiting on the friend requests I made). I agree, it’s not terrible at all…it’s a way to stay in touch with the people I love and can’t hug or talk to everyday..and for that, I love it.
thank you for coming over to say Hi.
I love that “you choose the direction” now – there is something strangely empowering about facebook giving you a measure of control over your past! and also laughing at your ex-boyfriends’, ahem, bad choices!
LOL..it really was right?? Their “BAD CHOICES” ..right on girlfriend.
I don’t hate Facebook, it just took me awhile to deal with all the emotions and memories, now I just accept them and the friend requests
thank you for coming over, what a nice day to have YOU here.
I’m in a funny place where I’m ok with my past and enjoy reconnecting with the people, but wishing I could just erase some things in my present. So Facebook’s block feature is coming in handy.
What I’d really like is to look back on Facebook from 20 years in the future and be able to see how it changed the way we live.
Me too..and I keep writing to every comment that I don’t HATE Facebook, in the beginning it took me a while to absorb all the memories and all the things I “thought” people thought of me. LOL. I would love that too, to see FB from 20 yrs from now and wonder if we are even more involved in each other’s lives.
thank you for coming over to say HI…so NICE to see you here.
Kir, I could relate to this SO much. When I first joined Facebook, I felt the insecurities and pains of high school come rushing back unchecked. It wasn’t a pretty or easy thing to deal with. I’ve mostly come to terms with it all. I had to remind myself daily at first that my friend count didn’t matter, that the people from my past who had hurt me didn’t matter. But it wasn’t easy. I have a much better relationship with facebook now. I see it for what it is: a place to socialize and connect with people…but not something to put too much emphasis or importance on.
Lovely, thought-provoking post.
HI Katie,
I think the thing is that I don’t HATE Facebook. I normally avoid things like TV shows, books, “Up to the minute” fashion etc until I feel it works for or entertains me. I like to do things on my own time in my own way. Facebook never HURT me, it just gave me a place to remember. Today, I like it, I like knowing what people are up to, I like seeing the pictures and hearing the stories of the people that have walked across my life. Maybe next time I will make it more like that…a post that shows you the good stuff it gave me. But thank you for relating and for knowing that FB doens’t define YOU…you are amazing, no matter the count xoxo
This is good stuff. I remember the day my mother entered the world of Facebook. She brought with her all of my “friends” from high school. I had to change the way I expressed myself through my updates and I was annoyed. However, it afforded me the need to be disciplined in being mindful of my “online” image. . . I am still upset over the girl that threw gum in my hair … the bullies. This post brings up a lot for me, so I’ll end right here. And I am grateful for your ability to express it in a way that triggered so much for me. It’s stuff I obviously should try to confront now that I’m grown, courageous and wise
thank you Kimberly, I’m glad so many people can relate and while I was like you…the memories COME FLOODING back (right?) but once I chose the direction and how I would engage…my life with FB changed and so did my attitude. I don’t hate it now…I just choose my way, much better than I did so long ago. xxoxo
Excellent post! I felt the exact same way about facebook. I vowed I would never sign up. But most of my friends refuse to communicate any other way and I was missing out on so much of their lives so I gave in. I still don’t love it – somehow it seems narcissistic, cold and impersonal (which is what I thought twitter would be…it’s not and I love it so much more than facebook). But like you said, you hold all the power now and choose the direction of your life. And that is a beautiful thing.
HI Sweetie, thanks for coming over to read this, that makes me so happy. I have a love/hate, but all in all, I like seeing my past today. I think I just needed time for all the memories to come flooding in, once I saw that I had the power with how I chose to engage it was BETTER. I love every one of those friends, new…old…and otherwise.
thank you for commenting and relating. xo
I stayed away from facebook for a long time. And recently did a purging- all those people I “accepted” when I first joined b/c I didn’t know better… and then realized they were never a part of my life back then, so no reason to have them be now.
Honestly, with the kind of friend I’ve been lately, I’m just glad I made the cut sweetie.
thank you for always being more than a ‘facebook friend” to me. xoxo
I’ve kept my FB relatively small and sparse. I also have culled some of those people I friended in the initial rush to belong on FB. Oh the days I *poked and prodded* and thought it was funny!
I like the adjustments of “some updates” and whatnot, too. It helps to quiet the people who tell me every time they’re trying a new beer or tell me that their kid is napping for the second time today.
It is what we make it, I suppose. But I do fantasize about dropping out…same with Twitter. Just – can’t – do – it!
I agree, that it serves it’s purpose and for whatever it’s worth it has pushed me to write for a variety of reasons. So I guess I can’t be that angry with it.
I think we are in the hands of social media or the time being …right? LOL