“You wait here.” I said letting go of one small hand while extending the other to a smile that called my name and invited me in.
The Waiting.
I am used to it. It has become a part of my physical makeup like my eye color or the way my hair falls to one side without the use of a comb to guide it.
College graduation, Mr. Right and a proposal, A Wedding, The pain of Infertility, the 35 weeks until I could hold my sons, all a lesson in delayed gratification and hope for something bigger and better to arrive.
It seems like I have spent most of my life waiting. The simple process of hanging on and holding out has become a way of life that wakes with me each morning and tucks me in at night. I call myself impatient, fancy myself spontaneous but the truth, the thing I hate admitting, is that I am good at waiting.
I am proficient at procrastinating and I am skilled at holding myself back from risk lest it hurt or humiliate me.
Auditioning for Listen To Your Mother was a place where I didn’t wait; I just followed my heart and my voice to New York City. Sure, I felt all the feelings you would reading my own words in front of three women that I was meeting for the first time, but in the middle of my 2 and half minutes, I took a moment , took a breath and just listened to myself talk about my sons.
I focused on the single thought that while I was here, my stomach up near my heart, my heart up near my throat, the two boys I had waited for were right outside the closed door.
Waiting for me.
I pictured their faces and their tap dance routine on the wooden floor of the studio as I read. I let their smiles float up to the surface of my mind and knew that they had no idea what I was doing in that space. The simple explanation of “mommy is reading her writing” completely lost on the massive imagination inside a 4 yr old mind. I reminded myself that they were more excited about the train ride from Secaucus and the thought of eating Sabrett’s hot dogs when I emerged from this room.
But still, they waited, for me.
When I was done, they rushed to my arms yelling “Mommy! Can we get a pretzel now?” without knowing that I had left a heap of my love for them in that room, in the hands of those three women with the three smiles.
In the days that would follow, in those strange moments where I was swinging between hope and hopeless, I practically shimmered with anticipation, fear and expectation.
Once again I was waiting.
“I’ve been here before.” I told myself, “I am good at this and if the answer is no, the risk was taken and that is more than enough.”
So that when the call came and stole my breath, when I allowed the news to sink in, I knew that it had been worth it to linger.
The words so clear as I pressed kisses on the heads of my sons, “You were worth the wait. “ and “Thank you for pausing your life for a few minutes so I could read my words. I can’t wait to tell the world all about you.”
Pouring my HEART with my friend Shell. xo
I will be performing with the AMAZING, TALENTED, INCREDIBLE NYC Cast of Listen to Your Mother this Sunday, May 6th at 2pm inside the JCC of Manhattan. Our show is SOLD OUT (YAY!) but I promise to read with each of you inside my heart and to post the video of me reading my piece, “Sitting in Your Light” as soon as it’s available.
*thank you for supporting me, for being excited for me and for allowing me to POUR MY HEART today*
I’m shivering. I have chills down my spine. I remember seeing your sons in the lobby and having just heard you read about them, I smiled with true meaning. I knew at that moment just how much they meant to you and I was honored to be in their presence. I can’t wait until Sunday!
Holly, I am just glad you enjoyed reading it…and I am just honored to know you. THANK YOU for listening to my words and for helping to change my life. I can’t wait for Sunday!!!
Our kids make the waiting worthwhile!
I know you will be amazing this weekend!
yes, the waiting was worth it. Every single time.
thanks sweetie, I’m carrying you in my heart on Sunday. xo
I love hearing about them here. Hearing about them in your voice is even better. Everyone in the theater this weekend is receiving such a gift, and I can only wish I could see it in person. Share clips as soon as possible! And rock that smile and that love all over New York. You deserve it so much!
you I will carrying in my heart on Sunday, I’ll be hearing your laugh and thinking of your support and smiles. Thank you for being such a wonderful cheerleader for me, I love you girlfriend, BIG xo
Congratulations from LTYM in San Francisco! This is beautiful, and I can’t wait to see you on video after the NYC show!
cheers.
HI!!!!! have a wondeful, incredible, amazing night tomorrow..and thank you for the support and love from the West Coast…I can’t wait to see you either.
BREAK A LEG my friend.
So beautiful. I’m coming to the NYC show and can’t wait. Thank you for sharing this!
OH Deb, I’m sooooo excited!!!! YAY. I will look for you after, thank you for coming over to read this and offer your support. It means SO MUCH MOREThan you know.
Makes me want to cry, to be able to release the lump in my throat, and open the gate that has been tightly locked this week. Another thing we have in common…I know waiting. I am intimate with waiting and I can tell you even though I KNOW the end results have always been worth it….I can not stand it! :O) I may be worse than a toddler waiting on chocolate milk. I want to thrash around as they do, cry and gulp for air as they do…but I don’t (usually lol). I admire the grace and strength with which you tame your patience. <3 Your beauty is a sight to behold!
oh Ducky, whatever you need, whenever you need it, you come find me. I hate the waiting, I hate it even when the results might be incredible and GOOD…so I know how you feel. Please know I am “waiting” with you and I’m right HERE. xoxoxo
Congrats! I hope it all goes well this weekend.
thank you my friend,thank you
Congratulations! I know that you will do an amazing job this weekend! Have a great time and remember to relax.
I promise Jackie. Thank you so much for all the support. IT means so much to me..so do you
Waiting is one of my hardest things. But LTYM is helping me learn patience in so many ways.
Beautiful post!
OH Ann, I’m so honored you stopped by. Thank you for coming over to read this. It was worth the “wait” to see you here
Waiting is not my strong suit. My son is teaching me how to wait.
Is anyone GOOD at waiting? I think I’m getting better at it because I have to, but instant gratification is a favorite term of mine. My children are the keepers of my impulsive drive…I have a feeling I won’t be seeing it for a while.
I would wait for you anywhere.
ANYWHERE? LOL I’ll have to take you up on that
see you Sunday, amazing woman !
And the moment you’ve so patiently waited for is almost here. Remember to savor each second, drink it all up and let it hold you, feel its warmth and the love.
So, so proud of you my friend!
Oh you…if I say I “hear you” and just go about my business of blubbering like an idiot in response to your words, will you nknow heat I’m trying to say? xoxoxo
I just got goosebumps! Truly! I am so excited for you and so very proud! You were meant to do this. Your “momminess” will shine through beautifully.
Enjoy every second of this! You deserve it!!
Oh you got goosebumps too
Your support, love, sweet “CUPCAKES” you leave me mean the WORLD TO ME!!! thank you for all of it and know you’re “coming with me in my pocket this weekend”
xo
Amazing. And now we wait to hear your words.
I feel so honored and humbled, thank you for coming over to read and leave me some comment love. It means so much to me.
Enjoy this moment. You have so deserved it! Sending you lots of love this weekend. xo
you will be in my pocket too…for sure. Hope you’re feeling better..if you need me just call ok? I’m thinking of you. xoxo
I am so excited for you and so proud of you. Damn, I wish I lived close enough to see the show.
Oh how I wish you did too..but I am carrying all of you in my heart this weekend…right in my heart. Love you too.
Even though I’ve heard you read your piece twice, I can’t wait for the third time, in front of an audience hearing it for the FIRST time. You’re amazing!
I read this, this morning and was just sobbing in the bathroom. “How could SHE love my piece? When she is the one who is AMAZING???” You made my day, you know and I love knowing you’ll be sitting next/near me on Sunday. I just feel LUCKY to know you
This was a gorgeous post. Your waiting, your being present, your realizing that your sons were waiting as you waited for them to be conceived and born, and wait for them each day as the move in the not-quite-adult hurry up mode. Really, this is one of the best posts you’ve written, I think. So excited for you, and proud of you, too. *HUG*
WOW, what a beautiful thing to say to me. THANK YOU from the bottom of my sobbing emotional heart today. I love that you liked it. It means so much to me. xo
what a beautiful thing to say..I am without words (No, really) but thank you..thank you sooooooo much xoxox
What a powerful post. I struggle so much with the waiting and the impatience of wanting this to develop more quickly. For things to happen now, now, now. I have only been blogging for 2 months (writing for much longer) but I want to have followers, Facebook fans, comments, etc. It seems that we are always “waiting” for something, unless we can find a way to focus on what is actually happening during the waiting, as you so expertly did. Kudos to you!
first, thank you so much for coming over to read this…that means so much to me. Patience is a Virtue for a reason I think. You’re right, of course, I have been blogging for 7 years and of course I want MORE of everything right now…not later..the waiting is hard but worth it for most of it. I have to believe that. So keep writing, keep reaching out, keep “Swimming” and know that your voice is valuable..
love that you came here to read me…thank you from the bottom of my heart.
What an incredible achievement to be able read your writing at this event! I can’t wait to see the video!! Kudos
thank you my friend, it’s because of all the support and love from all of you..my friends. So excited.
Congratulations to you!! So well deserved!
HI you!!! thank you so much, your support means SO much to me. xo
Fantastic post. I found myself waiting with you, hanging on your words. So glad you got the chance to speak there. Congrats on that and your SITS day!
hi and thank you, Yes Listen to Your Mother was life-changing in such a great way. Your comment warmed my heart…thank you.
Oh, I so love the beautiful of this piece. The waiting, the spaces in between the waiting and the people waiting. Thank you for sharing this and congrats on being part of Listen to Your Mother.
Great job! You have every reason to glow with pride!
I don’t have any children yet (god willing) but I can only imagine what a relief it is to have everything you’ve ever dreamed of in your hands staring back at you. Just the thought of that moment sends chills down my spine.
h yes, those boys take my breath away sometimes, I love them with all parts of my heart. I wish you all your dreams come true too.
I have never actually heard of Listen To Your Mother, except when I was younger and was told “listen to your mother”
But congratulations!!
And Happy SITS Day!!
LOL…oh yes, Listen to your Mother was amazing, you should look it up next year.
thank you for being here.
Congratulations! What a brave thing to do for yourself. And what a fun opportunity. I hope it went really well and that the memory brings you joy each time you think of it.
I was sooooo scared, but my heart was telling me DO IT, always listen to your heart.
thank you for being here , made my day.
So excited for your SITS day! I love they way you tell stories. Your writing is touching and real and awesome. Somehow I missed that your read for LTYM and now I can’t wait to see you!
oooh, this brought the tears, thank you so much. I am so glad that we are friends, SO VERY GLAD.
As a fellow mother, this piece makes me proud of you. Proud of your accomplishment and proud of your example.
what a gorgeous thing to say to someone you don’t even know. I love this comment and I love that you came over to visit. THANK YOU.
What a big accomplishment and awesome experience! You should be so proud!
Wow! Your blog is simply, beautiful. From the first moment I saw it, I knew I would love it. You just seem to “get it”! Your writing is magnificent! I loved this post, thank you so much for sharing and congrats! Happy SITS Girls Day too!
~ Nicole
Nicole, you sent me into a weepy mess. Thank you so much for not only visiting but giving me such beautiful words about it…I am just glad that you came by. That you liked it here, just made my day. TRULY.
I am the Procrastination Queen and am not at all good at waiting. But parenting IS all about waiting … very little instant gratification. We nurture and discipline and wait years to see the full fruit of all our tears, prayers and dedication. But, yes, they ARE worth the wait!
Congratulations on getting the part! I am a writer also and am going to a conference next month to pitch a book I’m writing with a friend. It is such a scary and vulnerable feeling to put a part of yourself out there that you know may be rejected. But no risk, no payoff, so I’m diving in!
Congratulations on your special day! Have a cupcake to celebrate!
GOOD LUCK with your book, how EXCITING!!!! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
CUPCAKES for everyone today.
Thank you for being here to help me celebrate.
Hi Kir,
Congratulations on both the show and your day at SITS today! I also rejoice with you for the twin blessings you got after waiting. I have waited too, and still wait…
Love,
Your SITSta
http://www.ugochi-jolomi.com/
What a beautiful piece!
You might indeed be good at waiting, but judging from what I just read, you’re incredible at writing. Awesome!
Happy SITS day!
So sweet & beautifully written.
Great writing and great stories! Happy SITS day to you! I’ll be back to visit.
I hate waiting. Everything about it. And it’s the one thing I struggle with in most parts of my life. Love this post and your blog is awesome. And CONGRATS on getting the part! Happy SITS Day!
Wow!!! This post is so touching!! You are a wonderful writer!!
That’s awesome!! So happy you got the part. You deserve it.
HI!!! thank you so much for coming over and reading all the posts, it touched my heart. THANK YOU so much
It’s so nice to meet you.
This is so wonderful! And beautifully written. There’s no way you couldve gone wrong with an audition like that though- inspiring. I am totally looking up this show, maybe I can come see it!
oops, just read the post script of the post
Sorry I missed the show!
Oh it’s ok…I’m just glad you WANTED to come..it will be on YOUTUBE soon and I’ll blog about it (obviously) and you can see me read there…I mean if you still want to.
Oh thank you so much for saying that. I am so happy you came over to read me, I feel so honored. It means so much to me, Truly.