It took me four years to get Pregnant with Giovanni and Jacob.
Years where my faith was tested, my hopes were dashed and my spirit was emptied month after month, cycle after cycle and year after year.
When my sons were born my one and only prayer was, “Please don’t take them from me.”
It is a prayer I still say every night and every morning as I kiss tiny heads and accept tiny hugs.
I am a parent now and my children are a part of my heart, part of the very fiber of my being.
I believe in God.
I consider Him my maker, my heavenly Father and most importantly , my Friend.
Like all friendships, mine and God’s has had its ups and downs. I have tearfully thanked Him for the blessings he bestowed on my life, I have debated Him without censor, a voice full of judgment and swearing about the evils and injustice of our world, of MY world and I have sobbed in unison with Him as we saw those evils take place.
I have never shied away from asking WHY of Him, even when I know the answers might not be the ones I want or given to me in the timeframe that I would choose.
Two words , two gifts I believe He gives me as a human being and as His friend. Some choose the most horrific way in which to unwrap and use them.
I am reeling from the news out of Sandy Hook.
I am angry with my Friend.
I want Him to explain Himself.
I want the answers I know He might never give me.
Like most of you I feel helpless, I want to hear the voice and see the faces of everyone I love, I want to hug and comfort the very people of the world. I want to believe that love can always conquer the dark, that light will always find a way into the black corners. Mostly, I want to hold and be held, I want to feel the DIVINE peace instead of the hurt, sorrow and utter disbelief that is keeping me awake far into the night.
With every news report, with every horrific detail my faith in other human beings plummets and I am left to wonder if the optimism and trust with which I have lived 42 years of my life isn’t just a cockeyed way of looking at the world. Finding the good in every situation, noticing the admirable in another person, searching for the positive among so many negatives has given so much joy in my life. I have never truly regretted putting my faith in anyone or anything, if my heart told me it was right.
Yet, the past few days that part of me feels violated and bruised.
My prayers have mixed with a M’lynn style cry, of “I just want to know WHY!” as my faith is once again being tested.
Deep down, I know that my role here on earth is not one of great importance. Other voices will say it better, other hearts will feel it deeper, other words will tell the story.
Instead what I offer is the love, faith and trust I pour into the world that I can only hope will help it heal.
I can do that.
I can support, comfort, pray.
I can help to build my village, hold my community and work to never forget the women and children who were taken so quickly and violently away from us.
God gave me the gifts of love and empathy.
I choose to unwrap and use them to start the healing of our hearts.
Today, I can and will, repeat the names of “my sisters” and “our children” who said goodbye too soon.
My prayer today, asking my Friend, my Heavenly Father to offer Love, Peace and Comfort to the families of
And beg him to hold us all in the Palm of His hand as we begin the long road back to Love.
Being a Member of JUST.BE.ENOUGH has given me so much joy this year. It is a communtity that truly lifts me up and makes me smile.
I thank Elena for bringing us all together and my fellow “Enoughers” for challenging and inspiring me day after day.
This month’s link up post is I CAN.
On any other day, I suppose I would choose to tell you a different story about my gifts and my abilities, but the one thing that I know I can do, with my whole heart, is LOVE.
Right or wrong, misguided or naive, I stand in my own skin, knowing that I have a capacity for Love, Forgiveness and Empathy.
I just wish that I didn’t need to use them to this end, to mourn 20 babies (Will I ever stop crying about those babies?) and 6 beautiful women that gave their lives to protect the others.
I CAN…SAY THOSE NAMES, REMEMBER THOSE LIVES.