I Can…Say Your Name

 

 

 

 

It took me four years to get Pregnant with Giovanni and Jacob.

Years where my faith was tested, my hopes were dashed and my spirit was emptied month after month, cycle after cycle and year after year.

When my sons were born my one and only prayer was, “Please don’t take them from me.”

It is a prayer I still say every night and every morning as I kiss tiny heads and accept tiny hugs.

I am a parent now and my children are a part of my heart, part of the very fiber of my being.

I believe in God.

Truly.

Wholeheartedly

I consider Him my maker, my heavenly Father and most importantly , my Friend.

Like all friendships, mine and God’s has had its ups and downs. I have tearfully thanked Him for the blessings he bestowed on my life, I have debated Him without censor, a voice full of judgment and swearing about the evils and injustice of our world, of MY world and I have sobbed in unison with Him as we saw those evils take place.

I have never shied away from asking WHY of Him, even when I know the answers might not be the ones I want or given to me in the timeframe that I would choose.

Choices.

Free will.

Two words , two gifts I believe He gives me as a human being and as His friend. Some choose the most horrific way in which to unwrap and use them.

I am reeling from the news out of Sandy Hook.

I am angry with my Friend.

I want Him to explain Himself.

I want the answers I know He might never give me.

Like most of you I feel helpless, I want to hear the voice and see the faces of everyone I love, I want to hug and comfort the very people of the world. I want to believe that love can always conquer the dark, that light will always find a way into the black corners. Mostly, I want to hold and be held, I want to feel the DIVINE peace instead of the hurt, sorrow and utter disbelief that is keeping me awake far into the night.

With every news report, with every horrific detail my faith in other human beings plummets and I am left to wonder if the optimism and trust with which I have lived 42 years of my life isn’t just a cockeyed way of looking at the world. Finding the good in every situation, noticing the admirable in another person, searching for the positive among so many negatives has given so much joy in my life. I have never truly regretted putting my faith in anyone or anything, if my heart told me it was right.

Yet, the past few days that part of me feels violated and bruised.

My prayers have mixed with a M’lynn style cry, of “I just want to know WHY!” as my faith is once again being tested.

Deep down, I know that my role here on earth is not one of great importance. Other voices will say it better, other hearts will feel it deeper, other words will tell the story.

Instead what I offer is the love, faith and trust I pour into the world that I can only hope will help it heal.

I can do that.

I can support, comfort, pray.

I can help to build my village, hold my community and work to never forget the women and children who were taken so quickly and violently away from us.

God gave me the gifts of love and empathy.

I choose to unwrap and use them to start the healing of our hearts.

Today, I can and will, repeat the names of “my sisters and “our children” who said goodbye too soon.

My prayer today, asking my Friend, my Heavenly Father to offer Love, Peace and Comfort to the families of

Daniel

Olivia

Josephine

Ana

Dylan

Madeleine

Catherine

Chase

Jesse

James

Grace

Benjamin

Allison

Emilie

Jack

Noah

Caroline

Jessica

Avielle

Mary

Victoria

Anne Marie

Lauren

Dawn

Rachel

 And  beg him to hold us all in the Palm of His hand as we begin the long road back to Love.

 

saying I can | JustBeEnough

 

Being a Member of JUST.BE.ENOUGH has given me so much joy this year. It is a communtity that truly lifts me up and makes me smile.

I thank Elena for bringing us all together and my fellow “Enoughers” for challenging and inspiring me day after day.

This month’s link up post is I CAN.

On any other day, I suppose I would choose to tell you a different story about my gifts and my abilities, but the one thing that I know I can do, with my whole heart, is LOVE.

Right or wrong, misguided or naive, I stand in my own skin, knowing that I have a capacity for Love, Forgiveness and Empathy.

I just wish that I didn’t need to use them to this end, to mourn 20 babies (Will I ever stop crying about those babies?) and 6 beautiful women that gave their lives to protect the others.

 

I CAN…LOVE.

I CAN…SAY THOSE NAMES, REMEMBER THOSE LIVES.

 

 

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25 Responses to I Can…Say Your Name
  1. Alison
    December 16, 2012 | 10:11 am

    Beautiful, my friend. I’m saying those names with you, and remembering them. xo

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:03 pm

      I can hear your voice next to mine, saying them. I wish I could beam you here, to share this sorrow with me.
      love you
      xo

  2. Carolyn Y
    December 16, 2012 | 2:02 pm

    So well said. I too will say their names.

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:07 pm

      HI Carolyn
      thank you..thank you for remembering and saying them with me. It helps my heavy heart to know that all of us are grieving with one another.

  3. JannaTWrites
    December 16, 2012 | 11:43 pm

    This was a beautiful post; thoughtful and well-voiced. Helpless just about sums it up. I’m sitting across the country reeling from the shock of the what happened, praying the God will protect the children.

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:16 pm

      Oh Janna,
      it does my heart good to have all of you here reading with me. I didn’t lose anyone, this is not my tradegy and yet, I feel such a hollow sorrow.
      The community and friendship we share is something that is keeping me hopeful in the face of such denial and sadness.
      thank you for that.

  4. Kimberly
    December 16, 2012 | 11:55 pm

    Beautifully written. I too will whisper those names and remember those beautiful lives. xo

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:16 pm

      love you..thank you for joining voices with me. You know how much that means to me.
      xoxoxo

  5. Ruby Manchanda
    December 17, 2012 | 9:40 am

    Thank you for sharing this. You give us a perfect chance to pray for them and remember them.

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:17 pm

      thank you Ruby, for being a part of my community and for reciting their names with me.
      it means so much.

  6. Kate F. (@katefineske)
    December 17, 2012 | 10:23 am

    Love, Forgiveness, Empathy and Faith – the only things we can fight to hold onto during such a horrible tragedy. Well said. :(

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:18 pm

      HI Kate.
      thank goodness, we all have one another to hold onto as we face this tragedy together.
      thank you for reading and being here.

  7. Missy | Literal Mom
    December 17, 2012 | 10:47 am

    I was all set to thank you for writing such a beautiful piece today, but now I’m crying so hard I can hardly type. I, too, can’t stop crying over these babies. And my own babies. And your babies. And every baby we, as parents are sworn to protect and love.

    XOXO, Kir.

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:19 pm

      love you Missy. That’s the most important thing..that we have love, a community, a village to help the healing.
      I am thinking of you…and holding every baby, every friend, every mom and dad, in my heart.
      xoxox

  8. Charlotte
    December 17, 2012 | 12:51 pm

    I’m struggling to find the words you said so eloquently here. Sometimes there are just no answers or at least none that can justify such deeds. Though I have to say, watching clips of the vigil last night and seeing so many clerics/ministers/rabbis/etc from so many different religions helped to restore some of the faith I had temporarily lost in humanity.

    I will repeat those names along with you. XOXO

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:20 pm

      Oh Char. Thank you…for saying the names with me, for being a part of my village and my life. It means so much in times like this…it means everything.
      I too, loved all the denominations respresented at the vigil, all of us praying to the higher power we call our own and asking for hope and healing.

      it means so much to me to have you here.

  9. Alexa
    December 17, 2012 | 1:05 pm

    That is just beautiful! I love it that you listed their names out. As the mother who lost a baby, I know that that is one of the best ways you can pay respect to a mother, is to talk about her child, to say their names.
    I am praying for those mothers. Their road ahead is so challenging.
    And as for God, I feel the same. It is hard not to waiver in faith when these things happen.

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:22 pm

      HI Alexa,
      welcome to the corner..thank you for being here, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It means the world to me.
      I stand in a teary puddle imagining you saying these names with me.
      I am so sorry for your own loss…and will say your daughter’s name too.

      xo

      • Alexa
        December 30, 2012 | 1:41 pm

        Thank you!

  10. Jackie
    December 17, 2012 | 1:31 pm

    Beautiful. As always….

    It was day that will always be remembered.

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:22 pm

      Jackie, I am so fortunate to call you a friend…thank you for coming over to read this.
      You know it means a lot to me.

  11. Ashley
    December 18, 2012 | 12:29 pm

    Oh my friend. You share the words so many of us want to express just beautifully, perfectly capturing that combination of emotions. As my oldest son asks me why, I ask myself the same thing repeatedly, and there just are no words, no way to explain.

    Thank you for this post. xo

    • kir
      December 18, 2012 | 1:24 pm

      You made me cry Ashley..it is so nice to see you here..and again I am so thankful for the LIGHT you give my life, but I wish that as moms we were talkinga about something else.
      I know that our VILLAGE and COMMUNITY is what will get us through this horrible nightmare and make us strong enough to be there for the people of Newtown.
      thank you for coming over to read it…you don’t know how much that means to me.
      xo

  12. Shell
    December 18, 2012 | 9:32 pm

    So beautifully put.

    I ask why of God a lot, too. I think He understands our questioning.

  13. Christine @ Love, Life, Surf
    December 19, 2012 | 1:40 am

    Thank you Kir for this beautiful post and your love and empathy. I will say their names with you and remember and honor those beautiful lives.

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