“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” – Rachel Naomi Remen
It’s almost the end of January and I for one, can tell you that the fastest it’s over and we can get on with February the better.
You see, I’m just not feeling 2013 yet, in fact I’m not feeling much of anything lately.
One of the words that I chose for my year, as part of Just.Be.Enough was Heal/Mend.
I not only wanted to heal my own wounds, but to help other people with the things that were hurting them too. I knew that if I could support, encourage or just plain Listen to someone and help them to heal in some small way that my life would be better.
But the thing I wasn’t prepared for was that the sad, the depression I’ve been feeling since early autumn is still hanging around and it’s not leaving. I honestly don’t remember the last time I felt this down or unbalanced. Maybe when my dad died in 1996?
All I know is that it’s not natural for me.
Then there is the fact that January means the holidays are over, winter has arrived and the sunshine of summer is just a dream for a while and I’m not a happy camper.
You’re not used to that here(frankly neither am I). This happy, hopeful, yellow space is not a place where I like confessing things like : I wake up in the morning and the only thought I have is how many hours it is before I can go back to bed, or a place to complain about how achy I am because of the frigid temperatures, how unworthy I feel, how the migraines come so often lately that sometimes it scares me.
I don’t want to be that girl. I know that if I needed it, you would hold out your hand and try to help, you would talk and listen. I know this because YOU HAVE. But I don’t even know what to ask for. I’m broken in a way that is complicated and confusing, even to me. I am floundering and am so used to putting on a happy face that it is the only thing I can do while I sort out the reasons for this valley in my life.
I know that part of Healing is hurting. Letting myself just feel all the emotions that I need to, even when they steal my breath or batter my self esteem. A broken bone needs to be set, ibuprofen needs to be taken, and any good orthopedist will tell you , “time is the most important thing”.
Like anyone else nursing a broken limb, I am sore and being gentle with that part of myself.
So like it or not, I just need to wait while my heart, my self esteem, my broken dreams, heal.
It’s not going to be easy, but the other two words that I chose are standing by.
My Novel is winking at me, the words actually bouncing around my brain and some days, when the clouds lift a little, they find their way to paper. Cameron and Angela are gently nudging me, as friends will, to just write. They are right, of course. When I do write, it fills the spaces of nothingness and reminds me why I do it in the first place. I will reinvent myself at the end of this.
Plus I am trying to Nourish myself through this lull.
I sleep when I need it, I eat the cupcake, I wear the heels, I hug the boys and reach out to my village when I need them. God love them, they hear me rage, they see me crumble, they listen to me cry and ache, and they bring me back, loving me through all the stuff. I know that I am loved, even when I am feeling anything but that particular emotion.
And thankfully, February(and a birthday) is right around the corner.
It’s our LINK UP for JUST.BE.ENOUGH this week.
We are asking you if you’ve picked your word for the year and if so how are you doing with your goals for that word?
the Link will be open until Friday and we encourage you to share your word and story with us.